Yes, it’s terrible what’s happing in the Ukraine, but honestly I don’t have to look that far away to access the c-r-a-z-i-e-s in my life.
Case in point…yesterday my Mom came over (for the third time this week – yes I know it’s only Wednesday) and wanted me to go with her to Wal-Mart. I needed some toiletries and tissues so I agreed.
On the way there Mom exclaimed she was thinking of liquidating all her assets and going on a cruise around the world. “You only live once Samantha, gotta go for it.”
Now I didn’t mind the cruise around the world part (although I think cruise ships are for Newly Wed, Over Fed, and Nearly Dead groups and Mom doesn’t fit into any) and I wondered how my Mom (who has never been on a cruise ship in her life) would last 75-80 days on one without tossing herself overboard from chronic sea sickness, but it was the liquidating of all her assets that caught my attention.
Mom is still on the under side of seventy and a very young senior citizen at that. So why in the world would she want to give up her stocks, which btw were doing well today?
“Is there something you’re not telling me, Mom? I mean you’re not sick are you?” I shuddered to think of what life would be like without her.
Mom answered, “No Honey, of course not, I’m fine. It’s just, Shauna, Ethel, Justine (her best friends) and I were at lunch the other day and we decided it was time to put some fun in our lives.”
(This from a woman that still parties like a twenty-something and dates not one, but three dapper senior men.)
“Well, I can understand that,” I said, “but don’t you think cashing out all your assets, and going on a world cruise are kind of melodramatic? I mean can’t you start small by going on a three day cruise out of Long Beach to Escondido and seeing if you heave up everything you eat? And why the grand liquidation? What the heck Mom, that’s your retirement Dad set up for you.”
And this is when I knew my Mom had really lost it…
She said, “Justine went on a week cruise in the Caribbean last year and loved it. Shauna and Ethel are putting all their money in the Bitcoin.”
I pulled the car into a Wal-Mart parking space, turned off the motor and faced Mom. I was so shocked at her answers all I could do was go off the track and not address them. So instead I pulled out the big guns. I played the destitute daughter/granddaughter card(s).
“Mom, if you take out all you money now and put it in Bitcoin, what will happen to Rachel (her granddaughter) and I? I mean, that’s our inheritance too. Don’t you want to know your child and grandchild will be cared after, after your gone?” And then I gave her the big finish, “Dad would turn over in his grave.”
Mom sat there a moment thinking about what I said. Then, she countered with the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard in my forty-five years on this planet.
“Oh Honey, it’s just money, and soon you’ll have a boyfriend who will take care of you and hopefully Rachel will find her Mr. Darcy and never spend another Valentine’s Day alone. You two won’t need my money. Besides the world isn’t going to last that long anyway. We’ll all be dead in a few years. Now let’s go in. I’ll treat you to a Big Mac!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
(Samantha and her Mom are the lead characters in the hilarious web series, “Dating In The Middle Ages.”)
Latest episode below…